Posts Tagged ‘death’

I face that fear when I am in fear of dying, like for example when I am flying in the airplane. I have no trust in this flying piece of metal – however I am grateful to it that it shows me and reveals my fear. I simply asked myself, while in the air, why do I fear dying so much? And the answer came immediately – I don’t want to go yet because I haven’t lived yet. Basically that is that I haven’t fulfilled myself and I haven’t pushed myself yet to do what I want to do. I have been generously giving myself time before I prepare myself to do what I want to do. And surely when I am faced with the possibility of losing all the time I have, I get scared.

Ok now by not having lived I mean that I haven’t allowed myself to express myself , I haven’t stood up to my “gods” that suppressed my expression. My whole live, in one way or another, I have abided by the laws and rules placed on me by my family and society. Although I have been questioning that which was shown to me, yet I have never acted with disagreement with enough understanding. I would rebel but that was happening mostly as an explosive outcome of continuous suppression. I have seen many times that whatever is being shown to me as the way to do it, as the way it was always done, is wrong and doesn’t support me or anyone else in this existence but is purely an automatic act of doing things from the past, done only in order to conform to the currently existent ways, basically out of the fear of being different.

Yes there was a lot of fear of not being like others – I can see that pattern throughout my years of growing up. And yes the thing is that when you are different from the rest you are out of the group, by yourself and thus you have to stand on your own without having the group support. This has been mostly my problem as I lacked that ability to stand alone indefinitely. Another thing is that I never actually presented an alternative solution, a new way of doing things, but only rebelled against the old. That was creating only a vacuum and thus fear and uncertainty. I would come up with some solutions but in time they didn’t prove to stand and I had to change my mind rather often. And that was used against me, especially by those close to me who have been hearing my attempts at finding the permanent solution. So, in that way I lost trust of others, which is not as bad, but I also started to lose self-trust in being able to find a stable place on which I could stand for life and put all of me in totality.

That has changed when I found the message of Desteni where the common sense principles where laid out in such simplicity that it was impossible not to see that this is something that will stand the test of time. So finally I can rest on the spot. I can stop the search for solution and concentrate on transcending that ingrained fear to stand tall and state with confidence who I am and what I stand for.

Another thing I had time to realize is that things do not happen magically, I mean finding the solution is not the solution yet. The solution has to be lived and applied – and that takes time. It’s about unsupressing self from all the limitations lived throughout life where they’ve become who I am and thus now require equal amount of effort to be undone. Point by point I work on removing the restrictions as fears placed on me and which I believed to be valid and accepted as truth.  Within that essential point is to understand exactly how they work and to see the road that has to be walked towards correction.

It’s about becoming a good mathematician where within my reality I would be able to calculate every decision I make in every moment where I make sure that the decision represent all living things on earth– that which is best for all. Within that it is obvious that fear will eventually not exist, because I stand for/as all and no matter where or with whom I am I express myself from the same starting point – always doing that which is best for all.

Surely to become able to see that equation within all situation is not an easy task and requires actual investigation, dedication and understanding of my reality. I can see after all that fear exist in not knowing, not seeing how it works and what has to be done – that uncertainty brings the fear – the question and doubt whether I am right or wrong.

And surely I have to convince myself that there is space for errors as it’s rather impossible to become proficient at something without having walked the whole way – trial and error. I can clearly see that this perfectionist idea was limiting me in my expression where I was silently preparing myself to come out and speak up – yet not realizing that the practice and experience comes with actual doing.


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