Archive for the ‘Writing 2007-2009’ Category


I cannot even express the fact how much suppressed I am, I saw myself speaking into camera and I was shocked to say the least. I speak and act like a real robot. I find it very difficult to accept my reality, yet I am doing it gradually. I am constantly pushing myself forward, trying to stay awake and face the fear, the fear of not being able to make it. Still I am grateful to myself that I showed me to me and now some change is possible. I just thought of water and how patient and calm it is. I must learn to stop worrying and simply focus on making even the smallest progress. I feel like a baby that is making his first steps, and how can you judge him when he falls. It’s exactly the same with me at the moment, and after each fall I stand and walk a little further distance. The reason I fall sometimes is because I believe there is some goal I have to achieve therefore I don’t really concentrate on the very steps I make. I am not really enjoying my walk when I am already somewhere where I think I am going. That’s a real bullshit as I see it now and I do understand and constantly remind me of this truth. Even knowing that I am falling but that is also part of the process of learning to walk.


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it’s been a while since i wrote here. The reason being that i was simply hiding – from myself. I tried to push something but it just didn’t make sense whatever i wrote and i couldn’t post it – because of fear to fall even more – in the eyes of the reader. And these fears are creating much bigger problem than it really is. I have promised myself that my expression will be unconditional – but only now i see how i was fooling myself. There always existed one condition within my expression – that I will express that which will support me as who i am as the current personality. Well maybe not always but certainly i often missed the point of actual self support. Now i see that the only change possible is here. I still have a lot to learn and still much practicing is required.
I have forgotten the feeling of self exposure – the release of compounded shit from the mind and the experience of the breath which becomes more and more as me. Right now what i have just written has come of the mind – the nostalgia for that feeling – and that’s where my depression that i have experienced is coming from – the inability to be self honest – and specifically identify the points where i am deceiving myself. That makes me really angry with myself and usually i was giving into my desires and following the thoughts – following the GOD – anyhow the guy has promised to save us, lol. yes it is now very much obvious what is this saving about. I have observed this point – especially in the relationships. We tend to stay with that which we now – sense of security and relaxation, no need to be self responsible. However big big price to pay – inevitably. there is just nowhere to run – even now i looked at my bed and thought about going to sleep – but there is a price to pay for that as well. So i guess – SF on tiredness – is much cheaper way. Do it yourself is always cheaper – so there is no need for high income in self honesty after all. running in my mind again – i caught me, haha

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Today is the first day I made a recording of myself trying to express myself, unconditionally. Camera is a very good tool because when you speak with someone you somehow feel you can say something stupid and simply get away with that without any consequence. I found it very difficult to be dishonest in front of the camera. Gradually when speaking and it is the same with writing, something changes, I become more simple, difficult to explain, but the need to show off dissipates, desire to impress, desire to look cool simply is no more because if you look honestly at yourself- you are really really and I mean really fucked. The reality makes one humble, therefore in these moments you diminish to your real state of being and from there the showing of vanishes and you just attempt to stand from this misery. And this humbleness is very liberating, like finding or being yourself, being ok with that which really is. From there cool realizations are starting to come because when you see yourself you immediately recognize points that are completely stupid, you laugh a little how could you have fallen for them and immediately one layer of yourself is cleared for you to see the deeper reality of yourself. And so it goes layer by layer. All fears and main points of self deception arise giving you the opportunity to face them. Forgiving these points, breathing through off you go into the tobeknown.

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OK, what I want is some real shit to come out. For that wish to come true it is enough to shut your mind for few minutes. The mind is like the container of all the lies we have, suppressed sexual desires, anger, desires of attention and specialness. The mind is a system, a system of control, which makes sure our presentation of ourselves in the world is normal. Fortunately this system is falling, the structures breaking and reality of ourselves surfacing whether we are prepared or not. It will be very painful and damn scary if we have no idea who we are. I am writing this because it’s time to reveal my true nature so I could stand without shame and regret having accepted what I have allowed to be, how I have abused many being in my live, judged everybody for who they are. It’s time to really have a close look how can I change myself into a real being who does not hide in fear. It’s just a beginning.

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Again being here without opinion is liberating. There is nothing to defend, just seeing what this moment provides and acting in this moment, no matter what. I experienced yesterday some moments of understanding. I saw how the moments are fucked when you go into them having your own opinion beforehand. Then boom… there is a clash of opinions. That’s not fun and it’s far from oneness and equality. Versus when you are in the moment without any luggage of your own, you can see what is what and look with eyes not covered in smoke. All is clear and acting, moving freely becomes a “choice”. A lot of shit becomes obvious, the reality of things emerges and you can deal with that, bring it all into perspective of oneness and equality. You see what needs to be done and of course when you have no opinion nothing stops you from doing what is necessary to be done. It is so simple and obvious and only our prejudices don’t allow us this simple truth to be seen. We are so busy forcing everyone to adapt our opinion and understanding of things and what this life is, that we forget the simplicity that brings us together in self expression. You just have to allow everyone to express themselves without judgment, only then you can see the truth which shows itself without lies. It might become a little scary at times but little by little you accept what is here, what people have allowed this world to become, you also see your own part in all of this. Then it is crucial to go back and see how it all began, where did we allow ourselves to be directed away from our true nature of oneness and equality. Who told us that we must become rich and powerful and have a good job with caring wife and joyful children running around in the big house near a beautiful lake in the countryside? We must see where we bought the idea of being a perfect member of this fucked up society. Only after seeing the origin of our inability to accept what is here we can start reclaiming the lost peace and again start expressing ourselves as we are. Another thing I have observed which stood in the way of true self expression was the desire for what we perceived as “light” experiences. Be it love, sex, beauty, happiness or some other bullshit. In my case it was a desire for sexual experience and obviously it did not allow me to be completely me as my actions were diverted into fulfilling this desire. Whatever I said or did, all actions and words had in them a small ingredient of this desire to have sex. It’s like talking with people with penis dripping out of the pants. And now when I look back I can see that people know and see that consciously or unconsciously and that’s why they can not be completely open and are hesitant in expressing themselves fully. When there are no opinions, no desires you become nothing. You become the space in which everything exists and you see everything and everyone as they are, because no being hides in front of nothing. There is nothing to hide in nothing. This is only a half way, because only seeing what is here is not enough, it will not change things. The madness of this world remains unless you start directing or better, braking and destroying old habits and old ways of being. Brutally showing beings what they are doing not only to themselves but everyone around them is crucial. It takes courage, yet the fun of it is enormous and wins over the fear.

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I am the realization of inevitability of becoming a total and complete being, sounding every word as me. Therefore the self forgiveness I express is the totality of my being. I do Self forgiveness only after totally seeing the point, realizing the importance of changing accepted behavior to assist myself further in self realization. I am taking all the responsibility for maintaining myself as a directive principle in my life. My sounding words expressed as self forgiveness are changing me, releasing points of self dishonesty. I am no longer holding on to my memories which define me as who I am, therefore self forgiveness pronounced aloud or written down destroys any connections between the real me and my illusionary past. After voicing or writing self forgiveness immediate self corrective application follows to make sure that the past behavior is not repeated again. Being here in every breath assists me in catching any thoughts trying to reestablish existence within me. I am not blaming or becoming ashamed if any mistakes are made, only realization follows that the point I overlooked needs better attention and more subtle investigation. Releasing my past becomes easy and fun.

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Experiencing the living word. Trying to explain this I am in difficulty because in cannot be explained it must be lived to understand. I only know that I want to live the living word as me always and forever. Our current communication is complete bullshit, interrelation between minds, exchanging thoughts, ideas, beliefs-that is nonsense which leads us nowhere. It leads to the creation of new thoughts, beliefs and ideas and yet nothing new can be created only upgraded, the foundation stays the same. And the foundation, the very core of our current existence is built in self dishonesty and selfishness. Therefore creating a new starting point is necessary where all would be one and equal. From that starting point whatever we create will be real and life affirmative, for all and not for self alone. When you are honest the mind is not necessary because there is nothing to defend, no lies to think of but express yourself in every moment with total trust in yourself. Recently I understood the reason why we are in such a difficulty of letting ourselves go from our mind. The mind is a defense mechanism; it is protecting us from what was done to us, from what we allowed to be done to us. So in fear of facing what is inside we build defenses, the alternative self where we create or try to create ourselves as we wish ourselves to be. Yet that inner conflict always shows in the outside, one way or another not giving us the peace we so much hope. The foundations upon which our houses are built are fucked, and no matter how hard we try to get the best material for our home construction its never satisfying and how can it be. Realizing this, one has to stop the construction and take the time to go into the cellar of ourselves and investigate the foundation. The job is enormous and that is because not many are willing to get involved, to begin everything from scratch. Many still hope that the world can be changed for the better, bullshit, it cannot. But these are only words and explanations and perhaps I am trying to convince myself about the necessity of stopping myself, my mind and starting a new era where I would want to live. After that, after I am convinced that my action is inevitable, I need a solution, practical solution and not something there in heaven but right here on this earth where I am right now. And there is a solution, there are those who live it and teach others to do the same. I am grateful for finally finding that which is doable, because before everything was somewhere far away, unachievable, waiting in hope. Now I have the tools and responsibility for the change, the tools to finally stand and make a difference. I can see a long process ahead, I can see many people, many “me’s” who are not even willing to consider a new beginning but still live in total ignorance, selfishness. They drink the problems away just to experience the double return. And so it doubles and doubles and inevitably when it gets unbearable one day they’ll have to deal with themselves and see what they have allowed to exist in their silent cooperation with those who represent the control and enslavement of our lives.

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