Archive for the ‘Writing 2007-2009’ Category


I cannot even express the fact how much suppressed I am, I saw myself speaking into camera and I was shocked to say the least. I speak and act like a real robot. I find it very difficult to accept my reality, yet I am doing it gradually. I am constantly pushing myself forward, trying to stay awake and face the fear, the fear of not being able to make it. Still I am grateful to myself that I showed me to me and now some change is possible. I just thought of water and how patient and calm it is. I must learn to stop worrying and simply focus on making even the smallest progress. I feel like a baby that is making his first steps, and how can you judge him when he falls. It’s exactly the same with me at the moment, and after each fall I stand and walk a little further distance. The reason I fall sometimes is because I believe there is some goal I have to achieve therefore I don’t really concentrate on the very steps I make. I am not really enjoying my walk when I am already somewhere where I think I am going. That’s a real bullshit as I see it now and I do understand and constantly remind me of this truth. Even knowing that I am falling but that is also part of the process of learning to walk.


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it’s been a while since i wrote here. The reason being that i was simply hiding – from myself. I tried to push something but it just didn’t make sense whatever i wrote and i couldn’t post it – because of fear to fall even more – in the eyes of the reader. And these fears are creating much bigger problem than it really is. I have promised myself that my expression will be unconditional – but only now i see how i was fooling myself. There always existed one condition within my expression – that I will express that which will support me as who i am as the current personality. Well maybe not always but certainly i often missed the point of actual self support. Now i see that the only change possible is here. I still have a lot to learn and still much practicing is required.
I have forgotten the feeling of self exposure – the release of compounded shit from the mind and the experience of the breath which becomes more and more as me. Right now what i have just written has come of the mind – the nostalgia for that feeling – and that’s where my depression that i have experienced is coming from – the inability to be self honest – and specifically identify the points where i am deceiving myself. That makes me really angry with myself and usually i was giving into my desires and following the thoughts – following the GOD – anyhow the guy has promised to save us, lol. yes it is now very much obvious what is this saving about. I have observed this point – especially in the relationships. We tend to stay with that which we now – sense of security and relaxation, no need to be self responsible. However big big price to pay – inevitably. there is just nowhere to run – even now i looked at my bed and thought about going to sleep – but there is a price to pay for that as well. So i guess – SF on tiredness – is much cheaper way. Do it yourself is always cheaper – so there is no need for high income in self honesty after all. running in my mind again – i caught me, haha

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Today is the first day I made a recording of myself trying to express myself, unconditionally. Camera is a very good tool because when you speak with someone you somehow feel you can say something stupid and simply get away with that without any consequence. I found it very difficult to be dishonest in front of the camera. Gradually when speaking and it is the same with writing, something changes, I become more simple, difficult to explain, but the need to show off dissipates, desire to impress, desire to look cool simply is no more because if you look honestly at yourself- you are really really and I mean really fucked. The reality makes one humble, therefore in these moments you diminish to your real state of being and from there the showing of vanishes and you just attempt to stand from this misery. And this humbleness is very liberating, like finding or being yourself, being ok with that which really is. From there cool realizations are starting to come because when you see yourself you immediately recognize points that are completely stupid, you laugh a little how could you have fallen for them and immediately one layer of yourself is cleared for you to see the deeper reality of yourself. And so it goes layer by layer. All fears and main points of self deception arise giving you the opportunity to face them. Forgiving these points, breathing through off you go into the tobeknown.

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OK, what I want is some real shit to come out. For that wish to come true it is enough to shut your mind for few minutes. The mind is like the container of all the lies we have, suppressed sexual desires, anger, desires of attention and specialness. The mind is a system, a system of control, which makes sure our presentation of ourselves in the world is normal. Fortunately this system is falling, the structures breaking and reality of ourselves surfacing whether we are prepared or not. It will be very painful and damn scary if we have no idea who we are. I am writing this because it’s time to reveal my true nature so I could stand without shame and regret having accepted what I have allowed to be, how I have abused many being in my live, judged everybody for who they are. It’s time to really have a close look how can I change myself into a real being who does not hide in fear. It’s just a beginning.

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Again being here without opinion is liberating. There is nothing to defend, just seeing what this moment provides and acting in this moment, no matter what. I experienced yesterday some moments of understanding. I saw how the moments are fucked when you go into them having your own opinion beforehand. Then boom… there is a clash of opinions. That’s not fun and it’s far from oneness and equality. Versus when you are in the moment without any luggage of your own, you can see what is what and look with eyes not covered in smoke. All is clear and acting, moving freely becomes a “choice”. A lot of shit becomes obvious, the reality of things emerges and you can deal with that, bring it all into perspective of oneness and equality. You see what needs to be done and of course when you have no opinion nothing stops you from doing what is necessary to be done. It is so simple and obvious and only our prejudices don’t allow us this simple truth to be seen. We are so busy forcing everyone to adapt our opinion and understanding of things and what this life is, that we forget the simplicity that brings us together in self expression. You just have to allow everyone to express themselves without judgment, only then you can see the truth which shows itself without lies. It might become a little scary at times but little by little you accept what is here, what people have allowed this world to become, you also see your own part in all of this. Then it is crucial to go back and see how it all began, where did we allow ourselves to be directed away from our true nature of oneness and equality. Who told us that we must become rich and powerful and have a good job with caring wife and joyful children running around in the big house near a beautiful lake in the countryside? We must see where we bought the idea of being a perfect member of this fucked up society. Only after seeing the origin of our inability to accept what is here we can start reclaiming the lost peace and again start expressing ourselves as we are. Another thing I have observed which stood in the way of true self expression was the desire for what we perceived as “light” experiences. Be it love, sex, beauty, happiness or some other bullshit. In my case it was a desire for sexual experience and obviously it did not allow me to be completely me as my actions were diverted into fulfilling this desire. Whatever I said or did, all actions and words had in them a small ingredient of this desire to have sex. It’s like talking with people with penis dripping out of the pants. And now when I look back I can see that people know and see that consciously or unconsciously and that’s why they can not be completely open and are hesitant in expressing themselves fully. When there are no opinions, no desires you become nothing. You become the space in which everything exists and you see everything and everyone as they are, because no being hides in front of nothing. There is nothing to hide in nothing. This is only a half way, because only seeing what is here is not enough, it will not change things. The madness of this world remains unless you start directing or better, braking and destroying old habits and old ways of being. Brutally showing beings what they are doing not only to themselves but everyone around them is crucial. It takes courage, yet the fun of it is enormous and wins over the fear.

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I am the realization of inevitability of becoming a total and complete being, sounding every word as me. Therefore the self forgiveness I express is the totality of my being. I do Self forgiveness only after totally seeing the point, realizing the importance of changing accepted behavior to assist myself further in self realization. I am taking all the responsibility for maintaining myself as a directive principle in my life. My sounding words expressed as self forgiveness are changing me, releasing points of self dishonesty. I am no longer holding on to my memories which define me as who I am, therefore self forgiveness pronounced aloud or written down destroys any connections between the real me and my illusionary past. After voicing or writing self forgiveness immediate self corrective application follows to make sure that the past behavior is not repeated again. Being here in every breath assists me in catching any thoughts trying to reestablish existence within me. I am not blaming or becoming ashamed if any mistakes are made, only realization follows that the point I overlooked needs better attention and more subtle investigation. Releasing my past becomes easy and fun.

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I sit here in my chair and think of what to write and when I do think of something its bullshit. And I erase and think some more and then some more until I am done with it. Until I give up and just start writing what is here. Here I am, alone at the moment with my thoughts rushing about, and I realized that my presence is necessary to get control of this nonsense. I am so tired of trying to create something. To finish the sentence I have started, I don’t have to. I am taking that which is here, and here is this moment. I stop that moment, I stop the time, I stop my planning, I stop myself and from here I take another direction, deep into my being, where I am hiding. But not anymore, once I understand the reason for being afraid of the real I can start my journey into the open with total self trust and dedication. I was hiding because I was weak, very weak. My whole life I tried to hide this fact from myself. I can see my life and the events that took place where acted out of fear. When I came into this world I was powerless and had to abide to the rules that my parents thought me. I had to submit to the limitations inflicted upon me. I got the inoculation of inferiority. When I didn’t do what I was told I received a dose of fear and anger coming from my parents. I came into this world empty and they filled me with fear, anger and I filled myself with hatred for what was done to me. So in doing what was told for me to do I existed as inferior being (all children do). And this is the core, the foundation upon which the rest of our lifes is being built, isn’t that sad? Of course many, later in life do their best to hide this inner reality, like myself, becoming a great and strong athlete who is in control, who has the power to break away from limitations. But it’s all done on the foundation of inferiority and therefore superficial. That’s only a defense mechanism, to not see the reality which is repeating itself, generation after generation. So in my life I became fearless monster who follows no rules, but at the same time I lost my inner being, I could feel nothing, I became a system which has no regard for any life but its own. Selfish and mad, but “safe” I was although blind in every way.

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